State of the Un-united

I've come up with some easy to hold statements regarding working with teens (for the sake of this post, teens/teenager/tweens/middle-adolescences/screenagers/high schoolers/middle scholers will be used interchangeably... but mostly they'll be called teens).  They aren't shocking or even seemingly profound.  But they are as spot on as any I've encountered.

1.  Life isn't fair... especially when you're a teenager.
To most adults this is a "Well duh!" statement.  We know life isn't fair.

But consider where the teens have been.  Preschool: teachers and adults have enforced rules that ensure fair play, sharing, and justice.  Home: parents have treated everyone fairly or equally.  Church: see above... hopefully.

But something inevitably goes wrong.  Anything from heartache to parents divorcing to abuse (staggering statistics available with just a Google search) can spark the first taste of how unfair life can be.  These launch pads spin them and they don't have the emotional fortitude nor life experience to see that they'll make it through. 

Something that sends them further is a lack of stress management techniques.

The result is the blind leading the blind and teens turn to other lost teens for help.  Enter self-injuring and attention-seeking behavior (again, find numbers that make you feel comfortable with search words: cutting, high-risk teens, at-risk teens, etc...). 

So now, not only are they reeling from the injustice of life (that was hitherto unknown), but now they suffer the consequences of bad choices, one of which being shame (for guys) or fear of isolation (for gals).  The licks keep coming and the situation heads quickly from bad to worse.  What started of as life's unfair way gets multiplied into a secret scar that often doesn't receive help.

2.  Almost all of life is hard at some point, but sometimes you can pick the hard point.
This sounds more difficult than it is.  Consider: if you study, learn, and do you homework through out the semester, you'll be better prepared for the final than if you stay up all night cramming.  If you pick the hard in the lesser, "small" form all along, then the immensely hard or "big" hard is avoided.  Baring #1 up there. 

This isn't a formula, but it does work a lot of the time.  If you do the regular scheduled maintenance, oil changes, and tire care then HOPEFULLY your engine and wheels won't fall off while you drive down the road.

Where this bleeds over to the world of teens is that if they can do the "small" hard work of walking alongside their parents, who won't get them, who won't be cool, who won't (fill in the blank), then they are there when #1 rears it's head.  Teens will have someone to fall back on, because they never walked away.

The bad news is that adults aren't there.  Not because teens don't want them, but because, as Dr. Chap Clark puts it in his book Hurt, "there is a sociological abandonment of middle-adolescence".  Or more simply, adults are walking away from teens. 

Let's read that again: adults are walking away from teens.

I'd wager it's not because we don't care, but instead because adults are busy.  We're trying to do all the right things to secure the right future for the teens that we toss the habit of being with them.  Maybe we balk at their music, style, smell, and/or hairdo.  Regardless, we've quit being their number one fans and have let them run loose... then we're surprised that they are hurt and hurting themselves.

I can hear objections: "They want to be alone and with their friends!  They don't want me around!"  They also didn't want to take naps, eat vegetables, go to school, or take a bath!  When did their "wants" outweigh common sense?  If you've made it through the teenage years, you know what a roller coaster it can be.  There is no point in making it harder on teens now by pulling your supporting, loving presence away. 

That's the "small" hard!  Stay in.  Stay active.  Stay consistent.  This will have you in the prime position for when/if the "big" hard comes along.

Additional thought: you aren't supposed to be their best friend.  You =are supposed to be their parent.  This is a tough spot to navigate, but almost all of life will be hard at some point.  Sometimes you get to pick the points.

3. We hang on for a better day.
Because of #1 and #2, we have #3.  While in training at a new job, we got slaughtered in our first attempt.  A wrecking crew would have done less damage to our morale and enthusiasm.  Our "coach" looked at us, the quivering mass that we were, and said, "Good news!  This is the worst that you'll ever be at this."

I didn't want to show up the next day.

The wisdom our coach offered was solid: right now stinks, so... you'll only get better.  As you keep this up, you'll improve.  You'll learn new tricks and coping mechanisms.  By God's grace, we'll see order come out of chaos and stand above it.  This is truth (some) adults know.  This is truth teens need to hear.

DISCLAIMER: this isn't a promise that life will get easier. 

You won't find that the first two ideas are suddenly null and void.  Life gets better.  Friendships become deeper.  Love lasts longer.  God strengthens us in time.  Life is better, but rarely easier.

What is easy to miss in this idea is the first word.  WE hang on for another day.  This looks directly at the adage that no man is an island.  This is a team sport.  A community is standing behind this child/teen/adult and as such we hang on for a better day.  If today was garbage, that's okay!  We have the patience and faith to see what the next 24 hours will hold.

Mike Pivilachi tells the story of going to speak and bringing a teen to lead the worship music.  he says Matty gets up there with his guitar and starts playing Shine, Jesus Shine.  Then Matty starts it up again.  And again... and again... and again...  After Mike finally kicks Matty off stage, speaks, and then runs away, he asks Matty why he sang Shine, Jesus Shine for 30 minutes straight.  Matty's response, "It made Jesus happy!".

The moral of the story: if we want them to be great, we have to let them be horrible.  Mike furthers it by saying, "If Matt Redman is a great worship leader, it's because I let him be horrible."

Life isn't fair... especially when you're a teenager.
Almost all of life will be hard at some point, sometimes you get to pick the hard points.
We hang on for a better day. 

May God's grace fill you today.